Saturday, May 11, 2002
So here I am, in Albany. I have had the worst migraine since I walked in the door last night. I spent about 2 hours vomiting all the food I DIDN'T eat today and then held my head and rocked back and forth until about 4am. I finally got some sleep and was up at 10am this morning with the same damn headache. I did everything I could to make it go away. I masturbated, took a hot shower, smoked a bowl, and then finally bit the bullet and bought some Excedrin Migraine pills at CVS. After this, my parents and I went to the theater to see Changing Lanes. Not awful, but not recommendable. Ben Affleck was suprisingly adorable and I did have a good time. About half way through the movie, the headache ceased and I have been getting increasingly better. I now just have the dull ache and hopefully can move forward and have a good rest of the time with my parents.
I came to Albany for two reasons. One was to see my mother on Mother's Day. The other was to go to a neutral place and try to clear my head. Leaving Boston yesterday was one of the hardest goodbyes that I have had in a long while.
To say the absolute least, my last 9 days have been full of stress, heartache, frustration, fear, and ironically some beautiful moments. I will never forget all of what happened. I have images that will stay with me forever.
When I first got to Boston, Paul was wonderful. He was in good spirits, was incredibly excited to have me there helping him out. On Thursday we walked around Boston and spent the majority of the day doing some food shopping, Mother's Day shopping, and visiting friends. Friday was just as good; hanging out with Mariah and the baby, doing some more shopping, and just feeling great. Around 11pm, as I was doing the dressing change on Paul, I noticed that the hole (this unbelievably LARGE hole) was turning black in some areas. His pain was starting to get much worse and his spririts crashed. During the day Saturday, his pain and temperature started to rise. I started to panic. When I took his last temperature reading, it was at 104 and I knew that I had to get him to the emergency room as quickly as I could.
We were in the emergency room for about 6 or 7 hours that night and they cleaned him up, brought the fever down, and foolishly sent us home. On Sunday, the hole was COMPLETELY covered in black and I immediately rushed him to the emergency room again with a fever hovering around 103.
We spent the night in the hospital that night. Me sleeping horribly in the waiting room, Paul cooped up in some hospital bed all alone. I wasn't even allowed to stay with him. AND they kept us in the damn emergency waiting room for about 2 hours before they even took him in.
He was so brave. Such a good patient and said "thank you" and "I love you" at every possible moment. I called work, explained the situation, and ended up staying even longer. Tuesday afternoon, it was back to the emergency room. At this point, Paul's pain was so intense that he was screaming, crying, and scaring the shit out of me. Upon this visit to the emergency room, Paul spent two nights in the hospital, racking up more bills and keeping me sleeping in 2 hour increments. It was hard.
They cleaned his hole out, gave him some sort of preventative infection prescription, and debated whether or not to seal up his gaping hole. They ended up not doing anything about it.
I missed my dinner, I missed a full week of work, and on top of all of this, I feel like I missed a whole week of my life. As good of a feeling as it was to take care of my baby and to make sure that he was ok at every moment, I never felt so lonely in all my life. Maybe it's Karma. I don't know.
I cleaned the house, did laundry about every day, did all of the food shopping, all prescription filling, most bandage changes, helped him shit, bathe, eat, get through the pain, etc. It was exhausting.
I must admit that I kept my attitude positive. I grew closer to him than ever before and I finally took care of him the way he has always taken care of me.
So many thing went running through my mind last week. I thought about what it must be like for couples with AIDS and how hard it is to face that disease as one's future. At least with this scenario, I was always pretty confident that he would eventually get better. After a week of taking care of someone as though they were as incompetent as an infant, I realized that I don't have what it takes to take care of anyone but myself.
I realized how selfish I really am. How unfortunate and unacceptable this is. I feel like in a lot of ways, I have become a cynical, mean person. I used to be so kind. So approachable, so proud to be sensitive and available. I am more closed off to my personal life now than I have ever been before and it doesn't feel good at all.
Taking care of Paul....
Knowing that it was one year ago this week that Kelly's mom was fighting for her life in the hospital...
Seeing and feeling how precious life is and how little time we all have...
Having to sacrifice everything I wanted for a week for someone I loved...
Realizing in some ways that I have strength in me to do things I never thought I could do...
The whole experience was very surreal.
I am scared to go back home.
It has been 9 days since I have been in NYC. Once out of the place for an extended period, it is hard to get excited about jumping back in.
I feel like the challenges that lay before me are so great that I will never climb out of it. I feel tired and I feel beaten down. In no way was the last week and a half rejuvenating, nor did it help me to get a more idealistic perspective on my current situation. I feel uneasy about going home.
When things get tough I shut people out. I find it hard to ask for help. And after the way I have been over the last couple of months, it was even more difficult for me to reach out to the people I love, because I wasn't there when they reached out.
Man, I don't know. I have two girls waiting for me at home that I love so dearly. That are always there for me and were there for me last week, in prayers and thoughts if not in the physical sense. I have a friend at work that I love dearly as well, that looked after me while I was gone and missed having me in the chair next to her, I hope. I don't have much in NYC. But what I do have I cherish. It is hard for me to show this because I feel very stressed and frustrated with my current standing as a wannabe actor in NYC. What I have to remind myself of is that all of my friends are in the same position. We are all struggling with who we are and what we want out of life, yet forced to race against time to complete it all.
If I realize that we are all in the same place, why I am trying to control it all? Why do I feel the need to be the leader? Why do I force people to fit in with my view of life and it's complications?
And most of all...how do I change this realization so that I can emerge with my old self confidence while still having the love, support, and respect of those I need most?
I am scared to leave Paul alone. I talked to him this morning and his parents never came to see him. That hurt. That hurt alot. But he is strong with it and I am sure in a lot of ways is the reason for them not coming to be with him. Yet, I come from a family that I would give my life for and that would do the same for me...so why didn't they come anyway? Did they at any point realize how serious this whole situation was?
Why was I the only one at the hospital? Why was I the only one taking him to the clinic, the hospital, the fucking bathroom?
Paul felt so insecure about losing his position at work, that he didn't even tell them that he was in and out of the hospital all week. Trying to hide this fact from those that did call was difficult, if not upsetting. You would think that these people would try to get him back on his feet, not steal his shifts right from under him. And then not even ask how he was really doing.
Wow...so much in my head. Some bitterness, some fear, alot of sadness, and absolutely no self-confidence. But I feel like, with rock bottom comes a new beginning. I have to change my life. Immediately.
I am ready to grow again. I am ready to expand, love my friends, work on my patience level, and begin anew.
That is if I don't get fired from my job. Then I will be spending all of my time looking through the want ads.
I am grateful for my housemates, my co-workers, and my family. Without which I think I would collapse and spend a long time trying to bounce back.
I am going home tomorrow. I will be ready by the time it happens. That was the whole reason of coming home now wasn't it?
I want more and to get that...I am going to have to give it.
If nothing else, the main thing I learned this week is about how to be generous. How to be patient. How to love unconditionally and how to sacrifice. This is a lesson I need to re-learn.
I need to be this way every day. Not just when my loved ones lose everything.
I came to Albany for two reasons. One was to see my mother on Mother's Day. The other was to go to a neutral place and try to clear my head. Leaving Boston yesterday was one of the hardest goodbyes that I have had in a long while.
To say the absolute least, my last 9 days have been full of stress, heartache, frustration, fear, and ironically some beautiful moments. I will never forget all of what happened. I have images that will stay with me forever.
When I first got to Boston, Paul was wonderful. He was in good spirits, was incredibly excited to have me there helping him out. On Thursday we walked around Boston and spent the majority of the day doing some food shopping, Mother's Day shopping, and visiting friends. Friday was just as good; hanging out with Mariah and the baby, doing some more shopping, and just feeling great. Around 11pm, as I was doing the dressing change on Paul, I noticed that the hole (this unbelievably LARGE hole) was turning black in some areas. His pain was starting to get much worse and his spririts crashed. During the day Saturday, his pain and temperature started to rise. I started to panic. When I took his last temperature reading, it was at 104 and I knew that I had to get him to the emergency room as quickly as I could.
We were in the emergency room for about 6 or 7 hours that night and they cleaned him up, brought the fever down, and foolishly sent us home. On Sunday, the hole was COMPLETELY covered in black and I immediately rushed him to the emergency room again with a fever hovering around 103.
We spent the night in the hospital that night. Me sleeping horribly in the waiting room, Paul cooped up in some hospital bed all alone. I wasn't even allowed to stay with him. AND they kept us in the damn emergency waiting room for about 2 hours before they even took him in.
He was so brave. Such a good patient and said "thank you" and "I love you" at every possible moment. I called work, explained the situation, and ended up staying even longer. Tuesday afternoon, it was back to the emergency room. At this point, Paul's pain was so intense that he was screaming, crying, and scaring the shit out of me. Upon this visit to the emergency room, Paul spent two nights in the hospital, racking up more bills and keeping me sleeping in 2 hour increments. It was hard.
They cleaned his hole out, gave him some sort of preventative infection prescription, and debated whether or not to seal up his gaping hole. They ended up not doing anything about it.
I missed my dinner, I missed a full week of work, and on top of all of this, I feel like I missed a whole week of my life. As good of a feeling as it was to take care of my baby and to make sure that he was ok at every moment, I never felt so lonely in all my life. Maybe it's Karma. I don't know.
I cleaned the house, did laundry about every day, did all of the food shopping, all prescription filling, most bandage changes, helped him shit, bathe, eat, get through the pain, etc. It was exhausting.
I must admit that I kept my attitude positive. I grew closer to him than ever before and I finally took care of him the way he has always taken care of me.
So many thing went running through my mind last week. I thought about what it must be like for couples with AIDS and how hard it is to face that disease as one's future. At least with this scenario, I was always pretty confident that he would eventually get better. After a week of taking care of someone as though they were as incompetent as an infant, I realized that I don't have what it takes to take care of anyone but myself.
I realized how selfish I really am. How unfortunate and unacceptable this is. I feel like in a lot of ways, I have become a cynical, mean person. I used to be so kind. So approachable, so proud to be sensitive and available. I am more closed off to my personal life now than I have ever been before and it doesn't feel good at all.
Taking care of Paul....
Knowing that it was one year ago this week that Kelly's mom was fighting for her life in the hospital...
Seeing and feeling how precious life is and how little time we all have...
Having to sacrifice everything I wanted for a week for someone I loved...
Realizing in some ways that I have strength in me to do things I never thought I could do...
The whole experience was very surreal.
I am scared to go back home.
It has been 9 days since I have been in NYC. Once out of the place for an extended period, it is hard to get excited about jumping back in.
I feel like the challenges that lay before me are so great that I will never climb out of it. I feel tired and I feel beaten down. In no way was the last week and a half rejuvenating, nor did it help me to get a more idealistic perspective on my current situation. I feel uneasy about going home.
When things get tough I shut people out. I find it hard to ask for help. And after the way I have been over the last couple of months, it was even more difficult for me to reach out to the people I love, because I wasn't there when they reached out.
Man, I don't know. I have two girls waiting for me at home that I love so dearly. That are always there for me and were there for me last week, in prayers and thoughts if not in the physical sense. I have a friend at work that I love dearly as well, that looked after me while I was gone and missed having me in the chair next to her, I hope. I don't have much in NYC. But what I do have I cherish. It is hard for me to show this because I feel very stressed and frustrated with my current standing as a wannabe actor in NYC. What I have to remind myself of is that all of my friends are in the same position. We are all struggling with who we are and what we want out of life, yet forced to race against time to complete it all.
If I realize that we are all in the same place, why I am trying to control it all? Why do I feel the need to be the leader? Why do I force people to fit in with my view of life and it's complications?
And most of all...how do I change this realization so that I can emerge with my old self confidence while still having the love, support, and respect of those I need most?
I am scared to leave Paul alone. I talked to him this morning and his parents never came to see him. That hurt. That hurt alot. But he is strong with it and I am sure in a lot of ways is the reason for them not coming to be with him. Yet, I come from a family that I would give my life for and that would do the same for me...so why didn't they come anyway? Did they at any point realize how serious this whole situation was?
Why was I the only one at the hospital? Why was I the only one taking him to the clinic, the hospital, the fucking bathroom?
Paul felt so insecure about losing his position at work, that he didn't even tell them that he was in and out of the hospital all week. Trying to hide this fact from those that did call was difficult, if not upsetting. You would think that these people would try to get him back on his feet, not steal his shifts right from under him. And then not even ask how he was really doing.
Wow...so much in my head. Some bitterness, some fear, alot of sadness, and absolutely no self-confidence. But I feel like, with rock bottom comes a new beginning. I have to change my life. Immediately.
I am ready to grow again. I am ready to expand, love my friends, work on my patience level, and begin anew.
That is if I don't get fired from my job. Then I will be spending all of my time looking through the want ads.
I am grateful for my housemates, my co-workers, and my family. Without which I think I would collapse and spend a long time trying to bounce back.
I am going home tomorrow. I will be ready by the time it happens. That was the whole reason of coming home now wasn't it?
I want more and to get that...I am going to have to give it.
If nothing else, the main thing I learned this week is about how to be generous. How to be patient. How to love unconditionally and how to sacrifice. This is a lesson I need to re-learn.
I need to be this way every day. Not just when my loved ones lose everything.
